I have something very important I want to share that just might change your life.
Aaaaand I see you’ve already checked out. That’s probably because I didn’t do anything to pique your curiosity, other than perhaps making myself sound like a pretentious guru.
How many posts do you see on social media that start like that? Do you stop whatever else you’re doing and settle in for something you’re convinced is going to change your life?
No. Probably not.
Because let’s face it, most of us don’t have time for something YOU think is amazing. Especially since every time you reach out to me, you act as though it’s critically important that I listen to you. Most of the time, it feels like your latest submission to become a TED speaker. Dry, dull, hoity-toity.
Oh, and if you haven’t figured it out, I’m referring to your nonprofit’s direct mail or email appeals, not your social media feed (although, still… I’m glad that piece of broccoli shaped like a llama meant so much to you, but I really don’t care).
One of the first things I learned in annual giving was to avoid using the word we. The “we, we, we” mentality is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in fundraising.
“We’re so great.”
“We’re doing so many amazing things.”
That doesn’t endear the reader to you or draw them in any closer, because we all have our own problems to deal with. Why would I help out an organization that’s already so awesome?
I spent my first few weeks neurotically chopping that word from my vocabulary. And while I may have gone a little overboard, I still receive so many solicitations from organizations that haven’t seemed to learn that lesson at all. But I think there can be a nice middle ground.
Let’s look at this example:
This organization uses the words “we” or “our/ours” 11 times in the first three sentences. Sure, some of them are referring to all of us (“our world”), but three sentences in, it still feels like they’re hyping up their mission, rather than convincing me that I should care.
The freshman annual giving staffer in me wants to hack this all to bits and send a nastygram back to the writer. But development writing is hard, and sometimes your team’s culture or leadership wants to fluff up your organization. So let’s see if we can find a compromise.
Rescuing and rehabilitating injured animals is not an easy task. Many animals are simply unable to be released due to a variety of physical conditions, so having a sanctuary where they can be cared for is essential to their survival.
With your support, XYZ Organization can continue having a profound impact on the lives of animals and the conservation of our environment.
Assuming that this letter was written with the directive, “Make us sound good,” (which is a bad, bad decision in a solicitation – please don’t ever order your staff to do that), I opted to keep in some of the fluffier language, like “can continue having a profound impact.”
But I completely took out any use of the word “we” in the opening paragraph, and at the beginning of the very next paragraph, I said “your” even before mentioning the name of the organization. While these are subtle shifts, they immediately change the reader’s perspective from, “These guys want my support” to “I can make a difference with my support.”
So the next time you start writing an appeal, resist the urge to talk about how great your organization is or how important your mission is. We already know that you do great work, that’s probably one of the reasons we supported you in the first place.
Tell us why we should care, and show that our help will actually make a real difference.
Or, if you prefer, you can reach out to me at Armstrong Writing Services, where I’d be happy to chat with you about your project and see if I can help.